The Adoption Post

A bunch of people have emailed  asking me to clarify my cryptic reference to my changing feelings about adoption. It's nothing earthshattering, really. Just that being here and seeing the kids in the orphanages and how they crave love and attention has made me feel more clear and comfortable about adopting from Viet  Nam.

I've been reading a lot of blogs and other writing by adult adoptees of color (many by Koreans who were adopted into American and Scandinavian families in the 70s) who have had a lot of difficulites and heartbreak being brought up by parents of a different race. They can end up feeling like they don't belong anywhere; because they were brought up feeling white, they don't feel truly Korean, or Vietnamese, or Chinese, but when they go out into the world, they face assumptions (both racist and non-racist) about who they are based on their skin color. It's going to be difficult, if not impossible, to prepare a child of color for life in a racist world when William and I have never experienced that kind of discrimination.

Many of the adoptees wish, really strongly, that they had been able to stay in their countries of origin, ideally with their biological families, barring that, with a foster family or even allowed to grow up in an orphanage. I agree that in an ideal world, all parents would be able to keep their children. In a somewhat less than ideal world, all children without parents should be able to be raised and cared for in their home cultures. But that's not feasible, either. I know there are some domestic adoptions here, but not many; the majority of adoptions are for overseas families.

Before working in the orphanages, I think I had more guilt about the idea of taking a Vietnamese child out of Viet Nam to America or Ireland.  I know the situation we'll be providing isn't ideal, but I think it is a good realistic second choice. Many people classify international adoption into a white family as a "fifth choice," after staying with the first family, staying with a family of the same race in the home country, staying with a family of a different race in the home country, and staying with a family of the same race in a Western country. I agree that all those scenarios are closer to ideal, but they are not realistic for every kid.

Knowing and seeing the kids, especially the older toddlers who haven't been adopted and are still in the orphanage, has convinced me that having parents, even parents of a different race, is better than no parents at all. No matter how much the mothers care for them, it's just better to have parents. I know some anti-adoption advocates would disagree with me, but my experience has laid to rest some of my concerns.

I know there are going to be different, and probably more, problems raising an adopted child than a biological child, but on balance, I think it will be a positive choice for the child. If we chose not to adopt, it wouldn't make an immediate difference in the system, althought obviously if no Westerners adopted children from developing countries it might prompt some action on the part of their governments to improve the situation. But for the children orphanages now, it wouldn't change anything. Whomever we adopt would most likely be adopted by some Western couple somewhere, and given that reality, I'm vain enough to think William and I are a pretty good bet.

I love it here in Viet Nam, and hope to be able to bring our daughter back often as she's growing up. Misa and Tram are excited to be her Vietnamese "sisters"; I'm going to do my best to stay in touch with the friends I've made here, so we'll have some personal connections when we visit. It's the best we can do. Fingers crossed.

Comments

[Anne Whyte]

I really agree with you. And the adopted folk who find it's not such a big deal don't write blogs about something that doesn't bother them, so that kind of literature prepares you for the worst rather than giving a balanced picture. After all lots of people who were brought up by their natural parents wish their childhoods had been totally different. You're doing a really good thing. Thanks for the blog. See you soon.

[Liz]

Will you meet your daughter while you're there? Or is your adoption too far off for that?

[steph]

There's a TINY TINY chance that we might get to meet her when we are in Hanoi. I just sent an email asking the agency if they could possibly speed up the referral since we're here... I don't have great hope, but maybe. We will definitely be able to visit some of the orphanages she might come from, though.